Joke for the week ending December 30, 2006:
Right after World War II there was a shortage of hotel rooms in New York. After checking out, a man realized that he had left his umbrella in his room and went right back up to get it. As he reached the door he heard voices coming from inside. He peered through the keyhole and realized that the room had already been rented to someone.
It turned out to be a young couple on their honeymoon. The woman was sitting on the man's lap and he was saying. "...and whose pretty little eyes are those?", "Yours, all yours," she would say. "...and whose pretty little nose is that", "Yours, all yours", and so on. After a little while, the man just couldn't stand it any more and he shouted out, "When you get to the umbrella, it's mine, all mine!"
What was the result of the collision between the mafia limousine and the cement truck?
Joke for the week ending December 23, 2006:
Mrs. Gonzalez comes to visit her son Jose for dinner. Jose lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, Mama can't help but notice how pretty Jose's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between her son, Jose and his roommate than meets the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, Jose volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria comes to Jose saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:
Several days later, Jose receives an email response from his Mama:
Joke for the week ending December 16, 2006:
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the resturant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.
"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional -- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out, paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is:
Joke for the week ending December 9, 2006:
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
Joke for the week ending December 2, 2006:
I'm tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
Joke for the week ending November 25, 2006:
Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
Joke for the week ending November 18, 2006:
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey?"
"Do you play soccer?"
"Do you play any other physical sport?"
"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."
First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horoscope aloud.
"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?"
"Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we Capricorns are."
Joke for the week ending November 11, 2006:
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
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Always decide not to decide, unless you decide to change your mind.
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No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time.
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Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers?
Joke for the week ending November 4, 2006:
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . .
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . .
- - -
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
- - -
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. . .
Joke for the week ending October 28, 2006:
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Joke for the week ending October 21, 2006:
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike." She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.
"The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Joke for the week ending October 14, 2006:
Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing...
"This is my oldest son Mohammed, he's 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby." Says the other mother.
"He's a martyr now. So brave", says the other mother.
"This is my second son, Kalid, he's 21."
"I remember his curly hair", says the other.
"He is also a martyr."
"So great says the other."
"This is my third, my baby, Ahmed, he's 18."
"I remember when he started school", says the other.
"He is a martyr too", says his mother.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks at the pictures wistfully and says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Joke for the week ending October 7, 2006:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me"?
To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She smiles and looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Joke for the week ending September 30, 2006:
A man in a Southern California supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some Dumbass wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada , sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Joke for the week ending September 23, 2006:
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
Joke for the week ending September 16, 2006:
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year."
Joke for the week ending September 9, 2006:
VANCOUVER - Now that Vancouver is to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are jokes, and the questions are hilarious; but sadly the questions were allegedly really asked.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
Joke for the week ending September 2, 2006:
NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
Joke for the week ending August 26, 2006:
Boston MA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Boston Red Sox, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Joke for the week ending August 19, 2006:
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim, But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery.."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. You husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Joke for the week ending August 12, 2006:
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
Joke for the week ending August 5, 2006:
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
Joke for the week ending July 29, 2006:
At my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying -- until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.
After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.
"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking his pulse."
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Joke for the week ending July 22, 2006:
A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his paws."
Joke for the week ending July 15, 2006:
How many Bush administration officials does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to deny that a lightbulb needs to be changed.
One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the lightbulb needs to be changed.
One to blame Clinton for burning out the lightbulb.
One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the lightbulb or for eternal darkness.
One to give a billion-dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new lightbulb.
One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner "Bulb Accomplished."
One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally 'in the dark' the whole time.
One to smear the administration insider viciously.
One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong lightbulb-changing policy all along.
And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.
Joke for the week ending July 8, 2006:
Her big church wedding was fast approaching, and my friend was delighted to hear that her mom, emerging from a nasty divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride dress.
Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young stepmother had purchased the same dress.
My friend asked her stepmother to buy another dress since her mom had already altered her purchase.
Her new stepmother refused.
After two more weeks of frustrating shopping, the bride's mom found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but would serve.
When asked by a friend what she would do with her original dress, she grinned and replied, "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
Joke for the week ending July 1, 2006:
The world's worst conductor was directing up his band during a practice for an upcoming concert. Half way through the first act he was directing with wild abandon when, out of his hand, his baton flew and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player instantly killing her. The police arrive shortly after and ruled the case as an accident.
The following week at practice, he again was caught up in the music of the second act and out of his hand flew the baton, which this time struck a flute player in the eye instantly killing her. The police arrived and after consideration ruled the case an accident.
The following week at practice the conductor again got lost in the moment of the music of the third act and out of his hand flew the baton this time hitting a trumpet player in the eye and killing him instantly. After the police arrived they could not believe that this was an accident after the third death, and the conductor was arrested.
The conductor was tried and sentenced to death in the electric chair. After strapping him in the chair operator threw the switch, nothing happened. Again he threw the switch and nothing happened. The warden was frustrated by this time and demanded that the chair operator explain what the problem was, to which the chair operator explained, "Well, everyone knows he's a bad conductor."
Joke for the week ending June 24, 2006:
Amusing Quotes from Celebrities
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Joke for the week ending June 17, 2006:
BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD
Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.
The flood began in the bathroom where both books were kept.
Both of the books are now lost. A White House spokesman said the President was devastated as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.
Joke for the week ending June 10, 2006:
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did!"
Joke for the week ending June 3, 2006:
An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.
The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.
The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.
The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got him! We got him!"
Joke for the week ending May 27, 2006:
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, and her lower lip began to aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's", the week before, it was "Animal House".
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today I made the final step. I registered to be a Republican!
Joke for the week ending May 20, 2006:
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man came creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, "I was feeling really spicy, and I became so aroused, that I just laid down and told him take me, young man, take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he then accost you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
...And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Joke for the week ending May 13, 2006:
There are three women -- one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly from the villages -- naked in a sauna at the wellness center.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The hillbilly woman, from the villages, felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, would ya look at that. I'm gettin' a fax."
Joke for the week ending May 6, 2006:
Ever wonder what happened to Alfred E. Newman?
He grew up!
Joke for the week ending April 29, 2006:
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violenty all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Joke for the week ending April 22, 2006:
Truck-Stop Cafe Lingo
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs - sunny side up - and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and brought it out to the trucker.
Looking somewhat bemused, he asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "Well, I thought that while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might just as well gas up."
Joke for the week ending April 15, 2006:
A very wealthy man wanted to be buried with his money. He knew that his family wouldn't honor his wishes, so he asked his three best friends, a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer, to make sure that his wishes were carried out when he died. He gave them each a packet with $1,000,000, to be thrown into his coffin as they passed by. Sure enough the day came, and at the funeral, the 3 men each threw something into the coffin.
At the wake, the men found themselves huddled together. The doctor said, "I've just got to get something off my chest. I only threw $750,000 into the coffin -- we needed some money for the new wing of the children's hospital, and I couldn't see the point in not making good use of the money..."
The priest said, "I'm so glad to hear you say that. I myself only put in $500,000. The rest went to the orphanage that so badly needed a new building..."
The lawyer looked at the other two in disgust. "Why, I'm ashamed of both of you! I put in my personal check for the full one million dollars!"
BONUS JOKE (in honor of baseball season)
Q. What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
A. Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Joke for the week ending April 8, 2006:
MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe Howard of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20.00 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Joke for the week ending April 1, 2006:
When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
Joke for the week ending March 25, 2006:
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says,"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun.'"
Joke for the week ending March 18, 2006:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little skinny guy, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
BONUS JOKE (for St. Patrick's Day)
A drunk staggers into a Catholic church. enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'; there's no paper on this side either."
Joke for the week ending March 11, 2006:
A customer walks into a computer store and approaches a sales clerk...
"I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics," says the customer. "You know, something really challenging."
The clerk looks at the man and says, "Have you tried Windows XP?"
Joke for the week ending March 4, 2006:
Cards from The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store:
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
5. Someday I hope to marry...
6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
7. We've been friends for a very long time...
8. I'm so miserable without you...
9. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
10. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
11. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
12. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
Joke for the week ending February 25, 2006:
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!"
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game.
Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"
"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."
Joke for the week ending February 18, 2006:
A teacher wanted his students to improve their spelling skills. So, he decided to have each of them come up to the front of the class and tell the class about their fathers' profession or trade, and to spell such profession or trade.
The teacher called up Johnny as the first student, and Johnny said, "My father is a baker, and you spell it B-A-K-E-R. If my father was here today, he would give everyone a cookie."
"Very well," the teacher said, and called Jim to the front.
Jim said, "My father is a banker and you spell it: B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would give everyone a quarter."
"Great," said the teacher and called Tim to the front.
Tim said, "My father is an electrician, and you spell it: E E- L -K E- L- E-K."
Tim was having a hard time spelling, so the teacher said, "Tim, why don't you sit and think about the spelling for a few minutes. In the meantime, we'll have Peter come up and tell us about his father."
Peter said, "My father is a bookie: B-O-O-K-I-E. And if my father was here today he would bet 9 out of 10 that Tim could not spell ELECTRICIAN."
Joke for the week ending February 11, 2006:
Several years into the future, three American leaders have died and are standing at the Pearly Gates, hoping to get into heaven.
God speaks to the first leader, Al Gore, saying: "What do you believe?"
Al Gore says: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was not your will that I serve. I fully understand that now."
God says: "Very good, come and sit at my left side."
Then God says to Bill Clinton: "What do you believe?"
Bill Clinton says: "I believe in forgiveness. I see now that I was wrong, but I believe that you are a forgiving God and that there is redemption."
God says: "Very good, come and sit at my right side."
Then God says to George W. Bush: "What do you believe?"
George W. Bush says: "I believe you are in my chair."
Joke for the week ending February 4, 2006:
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else...
When the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full.
The warden asked Sam his secret.
The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So, the next morning the two men met at the boat dock and took off in Sam's boat.
When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Meanwhile, Sam set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite...
He lit it, tossed it in the lap of the warden, and said, "Are ya just gonna sit there all day complaining, or are ya going to fish?"
Joke for the week ending January 28, 2006:
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one rose for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never heard from the beautiful girl ever again.
Joke for the week ending January 21, 2006:
Joke for the week ending January 14, 2006:
A team of psychologists decided to conduct a study to see if pets really did imitate the personalities of their masters. They created an experiment where they tested the dogs that belonged to a famous architect, an eminent biologist, and a well known rock star.
The first dog was placed in a room with one hundred dog bones. To their surprise she arranged the bones to make a perfectly constructed suspension bridge. The doctors knew they were on to something and were anxious to see what the scientists dog would do. She amazed them even further by placing the bones in the shape of the double helix of the DNA molecule.
The doctors were beside themselves with excitement but before publishing their results they decided to see what the musician's dog would do. To their dismay, he showed up late, ate all the bones, made a pass at the other two dogs and went home early.
An American was in Norway one spring and asked of one of the local's, "Does it rain every day?". The Norwegian replied, "I don't know, I'm only 35."
Joke for the week ending January 7, 2006:
Top 10 thoughts for 2006
Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without that stupid grin, make him a sandwich!
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006
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