 |
SEVERIN BROWNE'S
|
Joke for the week ending December 31, 2005: Year End Quickies: 1. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 2. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 3. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 4. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 5. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 6. Youth is when we are always hunting greener pastures, and middle age is when we can barely mow the one we've got. 7. Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. 8. A ship is safe in the harbor but that isn't what ships are for. 9. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs. (Richard Doty, WA) 10. Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die. (Tom McCudden, Durham, N.C.) 11. Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability. (Donna Lewis, Vienna) 12. Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Joke for the week ending December 24, 2005: A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex." Joke for the week ending December 17, 2005: A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all of his beer. BONUS QUOTE: Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? Joke for the week ending December 10, 2005: George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy." The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Not to be out done, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $10.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such big shots back there... hell, I could throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people happy. BONUS QUOTE: Q: Why is duct tape like "The Force"? Joke for the week ending December 3, 2005: God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning." "Oh, is that so? Tell Me." replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "we can take plain dirt and form it into the likeness of you, and breathe life into it, thus creating man." "Well, that's very interesting ... show Me, " says God. So, the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. "No, no, no .." interrupts God, "GET YOUR OWN DIRT." Any questions? BONUS QUOTE: "What is the use of a house if you haven't got a tolerable planet to put it on?" Joke for the week ending November 26, 2005: Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death. The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before reading more... Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story? The moral is..... Joke for the week ending November 19, 2005: A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said: "OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat?" Joke for the week ending November 12, 2005: For those stressed out by the recent fires and/or hurricanes, here's a remedy worth remembering... I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Bristol Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Feel free to pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace. Joke for the week ending November 5, 2005: One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises and then fades away. The next night Bush is astir again and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Respect the Constitution as I did," Jefferson advises and dims from sight. The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR, hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mists. Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?" Abe replies, "Go see a play." Joke for the week ending October 29, 2005: A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" Joke for the week ending October 22, 2005: A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?" Joke for the week ending October 15, 2005: Not quite grasping the sanctity of "Monday Night Football," I plunked myself next to my new husband one Monday night to chat. He was distracted by the action on TV, and after being shushed a few times, I gave him a "look." Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey," he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk--I'll just turn up the volume." Joke for the week ending October 8, 2005: Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed." "Oh, no!!!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!!!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?" Joke for the week ending October 1, 2005: BEST OUT OF OFFICE AUTO-REPLIES.... 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see all the in-duh-viduals who did this) 6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system..You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 7. I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY: 8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Steve', rather than Susan. Joke for the week ending September 24, 2005: I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "Please I'll pay you twice what you paid for those roses?" "What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?" "It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!" Joke for the week ending September 17, 2005: A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?" The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year...." Joke for the week ending September 10, 2005: ETHICAL QUESTION In light of the news of the so called human cloning going on, we have to ask ourselves the hypothetical question. If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be: A) murder, Joke for the week ending September 3, 2005: My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers. She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it." Joke for the week ending August 27, 2005: Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump" The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's ! your money." Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Homer took the money. Joke for the week ending August 20, 2005: Two doctors opened an office in a small town, and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go. Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again. Then came "Manic depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good. How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again. So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks," or Loons and Moons" work either. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." Approved Joke for the week ending August 13, 2005: An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away. The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose. The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose. The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got him! We got him!" BONUS JOKE: To any parents out there who are suffering a lot of tension headaches. Do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two and keep away from children." Joke for the week ending August 6, 2005: Quickies: Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Joke for the week ending July 30, 2005: A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. The Crocodile looks up and says "Hey!" The Monkey looks down and says.... "Shhhhhhhhhhit..... Duuuuuuude.....how much water did you drink?!!" Joke for the week ending July 23, 2005: Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. BONUS JOKE: Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday... According to the newspaper, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, dazed, shocked, confounded, flabbergasted, surprised, overwhelmed... Joke for the week ending July 16, 2005: As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!" Joke for the week ending July 9, 2005: The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics." Joke for the week ending July 2, 2005: BEER... "Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, 'It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'" "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." "Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C." "Remember 'I' before 'E', except in Budweiser." "To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a 'support group.' Salvation in a can!" One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." Joke for the week ending June 25, 2005: An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." - - - Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." - - - A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." - - - 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." - - - As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" - - - Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?" Joke for the week ending June 18, 2005: An elderly Ukrainian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Ukrainian perogies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite perogies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Ukrainian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the perogies was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the perogies at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife... "Stop" she said, "They're for the funeral." Joke for the week ending June 11, 2005: In most Canadian provinces, police forces have a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop into the single digits or below. One morning in March, about 3:00 a.m., RCMP Constable Bill Wisen was alerted to respond to such a call. A car was parked off the shoulder in sub-freezing temperatures on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta. Constable Wisen located the car, its engine still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, he walked to the driver's door to find a man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka on the seat beside him. The officer tapped on the window and the driver woke up. Seeing the flashing lights in his rear view mirror and a Mountie Constable standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 kph, but the vehicle was still stuck in the snow, wheels madly spinning. Constable Wisen, having a sense of humor, began running on the spot next to the "speeding" but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked out, thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. The "race" went on for about 20 seconds, then Constable Wisen yelled at the man, ordering him to "Pull over." The man obeyed, took his foot off the gas pedal, turned his wheels and stopped the engine. Once out of the car, the drunken driver asked about the RCMP's special training and just how the Constable could run 50 kph. The man was arrested for driving under the influence, still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car. Joke for the week ending June 4, 2005: A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist." That's when the proctologist fainted. Joke for the week ending May 28, 2005: Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?" The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out! Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical." Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"..................... She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late." Joke for the week ending May 21, 2005: Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?" "Guilty," said Tyler. "That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court," laughed Katz. Katz stepped down from the bench and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Tyler. "Guilty," replied Katz. Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be a two hundred dollar fine and ten days in jail." Joke for the week ending May 14, 2005: Top 10 Things dogs dislike most about humans... 10. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all! 9. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT! 8. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out... Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 7. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose! ... stop it! 6. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 5. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooo. What a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 4. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! 3. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 2. Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven't you noticed the fur? And the number 1 complaint dogs make about humans. 1. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. Joke for the week ending May 7, 2005: Walking Eagle President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times -- for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers". At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name -- Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly. Joke for the week ending April 30, 2005: Subject: 21st Century Living Will Recent news shows how important it is that each of us has a living will. The form below will prevent outside interference should you end up in such dire straits in the future. LIVING WILL I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't do so ever again. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma and who nonetheless may be in need of nourishment. Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008; it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and/or crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own damn business, too. If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell. Joke for the week ending April 23, 2005: Three salesmen were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye - enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper. Joke for the week ending April 16, 2005: A Floridian, a New Yorker and a Canadian are in a bar one night having a beer. The New Yorker drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In New York our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice". The Canadian (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Canada we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Floridian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the New Yorker and the Canadian. He says "In Florida we have so many New Yorkers and Canadians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice." Joke for the week ending April 9, 2005: Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground. The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch. "How did you do that?" asked one of his friends. "My watch is 30 minutes slow." Joke for the week ending April 2, 2005: This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long." Joke for the week ending March 26, 2005: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." Joke for the week ending March 19, 2005: As my husband, the county highway commissioner, was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful leg, he decided to use the valet parking service so he wouldn't have to walk far. Staring at his official-looking vehicle, one of the valets asked my husband if he was driving a government car. "Why, yes," my husband replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked police car." "Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat." BONUS JOKE: My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum. "I went to the bookstore," she explained. "And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was cleaning, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of years ago!" Joke for the week ending March 12, 2005: A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. Joke for the week ending March 5, 2005: Due to the recent record setting deluge, there have been a few geographical and legislative changes necessitated in the greater Los Angeles Area. Please make a note of the following. 1. Long Beach is now Short Beach. Forest Lawn is now Forest Lake. 2. You may now legally shoot to kill anyone who asks: "Wet enough for you?" 3. Take extra caution when entering city limits. Remember, unless otherwise posted, there is NO Lifeguard on Duty. 4. Alternate Side of the Street Swimming is suspended until further notice. 5. A house sliding downhill into a canyon has the right of way over cross-canyon traffic. 6. Please, no wake boarding in hospital zones. 7. The Great Seal of the State of California has drowned. Services at Forest Lake next Tuesday. 8. The Ferry to Catalina Island now leaves every hour on the hour from Beverly Hills. 9. The corner of Hollywood and Vine is now Hollywood and Atlantis. 10. The sands of Malibu Beach have washed down to Santa Monica Beach. Santa Monica Beach is now located in Redondo Beach. The swap includes a Sand Dune to be named later. 11. In the event of flash floods, Pamela Anderson may be used as a flotation device. 12. The white zone is for passenger loading and unloading. The red zone is for container ships only. 13. Boogie boarding on the 101 Freeway permitted only in outermost lanes. 14. Singing in the Rain is still permitted. Dancing in the rain is suspended until further notice.
Joke for the week ending February 26, 2005: Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" Joke for the week ending February 19, 2005: Although he was a qualified meteorologist, a local broadcaster ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. In the blank he wrote quite honestly, "The climate didn't agree with me." Joke for the week ending February 12, 2005: The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards... They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared and in it was found the following passage: "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock." Joke for the week ending February 5, 2005: Dear Abby: My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious in a big way, although I don't quite understand it. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ. And now he has been going to the gym an awful lot and is into wearing uniforms and cowboy outfits, and I hate to think what that means. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help? Signed, Lost in DC - Dear Lost: Stop whining, Laura. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for 4 more years. Joke for the week ending January 29, 2005: I was at the drug store to pick up my prescription. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me. It was unclear as to who was next. When we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you." I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all day." Then he said, "No. You go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months." BONUS JOKE: A singing group call "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. Everyone was excited about the concert and looked forward to the event. We were disappointed when a big snowstorm postponed the group's performance. To let everyone know about the cancellation, the pastor changed the sign outside to read, "The Resurrection is postponed." Joke for the week ending January 22, 2005: A report says high school students aren't very good with American history. It's pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address was ALincoln@gettysburg.com." Joke for the week ending January 15, 2005: Q. What do you get when you drop a piano down an open mine shaft? A. A flat miner. - - - - - Q. What did the snail say when he went for a ride on the turtle's back? A. Wheeeee!!! Joke for the week ending January 8, 2005: Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, - - - - - REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once Installed! You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Joke for the week ending January 1, 2005: A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing "Chet's nuts roasting on an Open Fire!" Jokes of the Week for 2009 Jokes of the Week for 2008 Jokes of the Week for 2007 Jokes of the Week for 2006 Jokes of the Week for 2005 Jokes of the Week for 2004 Jokes of the Week for 2003 Jokes of the Week for 2002 Jokes of the Week for 2001 Jokes of the Week for 2000 Jokes of the Week for 1998 and 1999 |
RETURN to SeverinBrowne.com