Joke for the week ending December 25, 2004:
Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Joke for the week ending December 18, 2004:
Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.
I'm convinced that in a past life I was somebody named Occupant, and they're still forwarding my mail.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
The first line of the notice said, "Please Take Notice." ... So the guy standing next to me took it.
Nobody is perfect, until you fall in love with them.
I'm not retired, I'm on Eternity leave.
A careful driver looks both ways before cruising through a stop sign.
A century ago, America was known as the melting pot. Today, it is more like a pressure cooker.
A fish is an underwater creature that grows fastest between the time it is caught and the time the fisherman describes it to his friends.
I eat from the three major food groups: McDonald's, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut.
Joke for the week ending December 11, 2004:
My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day.
"No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."
"Can people predict the future with cards?" Jessica asked Danny.
"My mother can," Danny replied.
"Yes," Danny told her, "she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home.
Joke for the week ending December 4, 2004:
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was G-d and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
4. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
5. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
8. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
12. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
Joke for the week ending November 27, 2004:
What did Dan Quayle think about Rowe versus Wade?
He thought they were two possible ways to get across the Potomac.
Did you hear about the gang of terrorists that hijacked a busload of banjo players and threatened to release one an hour until their demands were met?
Joke for the week ending November 20, 2004:
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued,
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but nooooo, you had to go and eat someone they would miss!"
Joke for the week ending November 13, 2004:
Bob was demoaning his wife's driving ineptitude to his buddy, Theodore.
At one point Bob noted, "My wife drives like lightning."
Teddy replied, "She drives fast?"
"No," said Bob, "She hits trees!"
Joke for the week ending November 6, 2004:
A fish and game warden caught a man shooting at loons. He arrested him on the spot and took him right to town and brought him up before the judge. The judge said, "This is terrible, these birds are endangered, I've got a good mind to throw the book at you."
"You're right, your honor, I have no excuse, it's just that they taste so good I couldn't help myself."
"That certainly is no excuse, I would think you'd have better sense than to break the law and risk jail just because loons taste good."
"That's true, your honor but they really are delicious."
"Well, not that I would ever want to eat one, but just out of curiosity what does a loon taste like?"
"Well, your honor, half way between a blue heron and a bald eagle!"
Have you heard the one about... the Zen master who told his dentist, "No novacaine for me, I transcend dental medication."
Joke for the week ending October 30, 2004:
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour... I'll be ready in a minute!"
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.
"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone..."
"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"
Joke for the week ending October 23, 2004:
One day, Jesus and Moses were out playing golf and decided to have a contest to see who could make the most outstanding shot.
After a short debate, Moses decided to go first. He settled up for the shot and hammered it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball fell into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raised his arms to the sky, and the water parted. The ball rolled out of the water and ended up only a foot away from its goal.
Jesus looked at Moses, and said "Hey Moses, that was a pretty good shot," Now let me see what I can do.
So Jesus settled up for his shot and sent the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus had the same luck that Moses had. The ball headed straight for the water hazard. Jesus held out one hand, and instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounced on top the water and rolled up on the green, only three inches from the cup.
Moses said, "Wow, that was an incredible shot."
No sooner had Moses said this, when the skies grew dark and the wind started to pick up. Lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly, a ball fell from the sky into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses had hit their balls. Just as quickly, a fish came by and swallowed the ball. An eagle flying overhead swooped down, grapped the fish with his talons, and headed for the now darkened sky. Just as the eagle was about to leave, lightning struck the eagle and he dropped the fish onto the green. The fish opened his mouth; The ball rolled out and dropped into the hole.
Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, "Man I hate it when your dad plays."
Joke for the week ending October 16, 2004:
Hours after being refused entry into the US, Recording star Cat Stevens lashed out at the government on Wednesday, vowing to resume his recording career "immediately" as the ultimate act of revenge.
Appearing on the Arabic-language TV channel Al Jazeera, a visibly angry Stevens--now known by the name Yusuf Islam--threatened to attack the United States with the full force of his insipid folk-rock music.
Brandishing an acoustic guitar, the erstwhile pop star warned that "no one in America would be safe from my insidious melodies" before launching into a spirited rendition of his 1971 hit "Peace Train".
A spokesman for the CIA said experts needed more time to study the chilling video but that it appeared to be authentic: "We do not believe that anyone but the real Cat Stevens remembers the lyrics to 'Peace Train.'"
On the campaign trail, Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry blasted President Bush for the Cat Stevens incident, saying Bush's reckless actions had resuscitated an irritating singer's long-dormant recording career.
"When George Bush took office, Cat Stevens was not a threat," Kerry told a rally in Akron, Ohio. "Through a successful policy of containment, his music had mainly been limited to classic rock stations. But now, thanks to George Bush's misguided decision to provoke Cat Stevens, we may be subjected to renditions of 'Morning Has Broken' and 'Moonshadow' and 'Wild World' for years to come."
Aides to Kerry passed out lyrics of songs by Stevens including this one from 1970:
I wish I knew
For his part, Bush defended the decision, telling a Denver audience, "Cat Stevens is the first front in the war on terror with Seals and Croft a close second."
Joke for the week ending October 9, 2004:
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.
Joke for the week ending October 2, 2004:
MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just signed up for Medical Insurance. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away, and a diploma from a Third World country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Joke for the week ending September 25, 2004:
There was a much married woman who walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Well", replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said:, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk didn't know quite what to say but she finally said, "Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time-for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?"
"Well" replied the ! customer, more than a little put out. "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first time bride."
"You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo on our way to the reception and have not spoken since. We had that wedding annulled immediately."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk?
"Well" said the woman, "he was a Republican and every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."
Joke for the week ending September 18, 2004:
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eye glasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband.
He's still not seeing things my way."
A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks studying for the final. The day of the exam arrived and they were more than ready for the test. The teacher pulled out a chart, and on it were different pictures of bird's legs. The teacher said, "This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs."
After ten minutes one boy stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the paper down on the teachers desk. "Dammit!" he hollered. "You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate. How could you do this to me?"
The guy begins to leave the room and the teacher yells at him, "Hey you, boy, what's your name?" The student pulls up his pants, revealing his legs, and says, "I don't know sir. You tell me."
Joke for the week ending September 11, 2004:
It was hard times for two ventriloquists. Very little work could be found. As they talked, one told the other, "To be honest, I've been moonlighting as a medium."
"Really?" the other asked. "I didn't know you were psychic."
"I'm not really," he answered. "I just throw my voice and the clients think they are talking to a departed loved one."
The second ventriloquist got excited about the idea, and went out to get himself a crystal ball and turban that same day. He set up shop and soon had his first client, a woman who wanted to contact her departed husband.
"For one hundred dollars," the fake medium said, "you can hear the voice of your husband speak to you from the beyond."
The woman's eyes grew big.
"For one hundred and fifty dollars," he continued, "you can carry on a two-way conversation with him."
Now the woman was so thrilled she began to shake with excitement.
"And for two hundred dollars," he said with increasing excitement, "you can have a conversation with your late husband while I drink a glass of water."
Joke for the week ending September 4, 2004:
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government. So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
Joke for the week ending August 28, 2004:
A guy is out with buddies -- has a few drinks -- is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two Aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks -- "What did You put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."
Joke for the week ending August 21, 2004:
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:
"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now--Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out?"
Joke for the week ending August 14, 2004:
"If only God would give me some sign... a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."
"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
"If you want to make God Laugh, tell him your future plans."
"Those are my principles, if you don't like them...... I have others."
"Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."
The Zen Master says to the hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor hands him one with everything. The Zen Master hands him a $20 bill and the hot dog vendor pockets it.
"What about my change?" asked the Zen Master.
The hot dog vendor says, "Change comes only from within."
Joke for the week ending August 7, 2004:
A city boy, young Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100 The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Ok, then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny answered, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny replied, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."
Farmer inquired, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
Joke for the week ending July 31, 2004:
As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."
So, this guy shows up at a very exclusive party. The butler says, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't admit you without a tie." So he goes back to his car and searches the whole car for a tie. Of course he doesn't have one, but in the trunk finds his jumper cables. So he thinks to himself, "Well, it's worth a try". So he tucks the cables down in his back pocket and brings part of them up and makes this cute little bow tie type of a thing, and goes back to the party. When the butler opened the door he said, "What do you think, can I come in?". The butler says, "Well, all right, you can come in, but DON'T START ANYTHING."
Joke for the week ending July 24, 2004:
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says,"Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me 'The Prime Minister'. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her 'The Government'. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you 'The People'. The nanny, we'll consider her 'The Working Class' and your baby brother -- We'll call him 'The Future'. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room and finds his dad in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning with everyone at the breakfast table, the little boy says to his father, "Dad,I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies,"The Prime Minister is screwing the working class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."
Joke for the week ending July 17, 2004:
Rodney Dangerfield's Best One Liners:
Joke for the week ending July 10, 2004:
While suturing a laceration on the hand of an 80-year-old Texas rancher (whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House.
The old Texas said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a "post turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."
Joke for the week ending July 3, 2004:
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN WHEN...
Joke for the week ending June 26, 2004:
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid the man incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the American rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.
Joke for the week ending June 19, 2004:
A Luxurious Gift
A husband goes out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her birthday...
He says, "So what would you like, Linda? A Lexus? A mink coat? An emerald necklace?"
She says, "Allan, I want a divorce."
"No way!" he replies, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
It seems that researchers have begun using lawyers for their experiments instead of rats. There are three good reasons for this. First, there are so many of them. Second, the researchers don't get nearly so attached to them. And third, the lawyers can be trained to do things that a rat just won't do.
Joke for the week ending June 12, 2004:
I'm blonde, not stupid!
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with, you know, those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind? This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
The elderly Scottish Laird lay near death and called his faithful manservant to his bedside to hear his final request.
"Hamish," he said, "When I'm gone I want you to take that bottle of single malt Scottish whiskey that's been in the family for thirty years and pour it over my grave."
"Certainly Sir," replied the servant in his thick brogue, "But do ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?"
Joke for the week ending June 5, 2004:
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
"Fireman, Fireman, my house is burning down!"
"Hold on lady, just be calm and tell us how to get there."
(long pause) "Don't you still have that little red truck?"
Joke for the week ending May 29, 2004:
An old Jewish man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Saul, who used to help him, was in prison for insider trading and stock fraud. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
"Dear Solly: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you weren't in prison for stock fraud, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Papa"
A few days later the old man received a letter from his son.
"Dear Papa, For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks. Love, Solly."
At 4 am the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologised to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
"Dear Papa, I'm sure by now the FBI has been there and dug up your garden. Go ahead and plant the potatoes. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Solly."
Have you heard about the dyslexic highway patrolman who was out on the road looking for IUDs?
Joke for the week ending May 22, 2004:
When Charlie, who had been an elevator repairman in life arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter looked on the master list and when he failed to find Charlie listed said he must go to the place below.
Upon arriving in Hell, Charlie felt immediately that something was wrong. He protested to the Devil that it was too hot and didn't smell that good besides.
The Devil laughed, "It's Hell."
Charlie told the Devil that he had been a pretty good engineer in life and that he would see what he could do about the situation. Before long he had the air conditioning working and it was a comfortable 73 degrees. He also got the plumbing in good working order and things were quite a bit nicer all around.
Saint Peter called the Devil and said, "Hey, that Charlie belongs up here. He's a saint, and we need him."
"No way, said the Devil, he's too useful down here."
Saint Peter replied, "If you don't send him up here, we'll sue."
"Ha," Said the Devil, "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Joke for the week ending May 15, 2004:
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"
Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"
Joke for the week ending May 8, 2004:
In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated an escort service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out.
After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Constable Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, chief but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."
"Holy Moly!" exclaimed the Chief. "I'm sure surprised at you, Ralph. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"
Joke for the week ending May 1, 2004:
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.
He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
Joke for the week ending April 24, 2004:
Three people arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them.
"You may all enter the kingdom of heaven, but you must tell me how much your salary was per year when you died."
He turned to the first man. "Your salary?"
"Three million," said the man.
"Really?" said St. Peter. "What did you do for a living?"
"I was CEO of an Internet startup company before it tanked."
"Hmm... go on in," said St. Peter. "And your salary?" he asked the next man.
"$120,000," replied the man.
"And what did you do?"
"I was an architect."
"Okay, go on in," said St. Peter. The second man went in and St. Peter turned to the third man. "And your salary?"
"$9,000," said the third man.
"Really?" said St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"
Joke for the week ending April 17, 2004:
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.
Because both had jobs they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail, without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son came into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:
"To: My Loving Wife
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and we are allowed to send e-mails. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
Joke for the week ending April 10, 2004:
Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work," said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" asked the blonde.
He proceeded to show her . . . by climbing up to the rafters and hanging upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where did she think she was going.
The blonde answered, "Home -- I can't work in the dark".
Joke for the week ending April 3, 2004:
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
What does a lawyer use for birth-control? His personality.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
Joke for the week ending March 27, 2004:
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Joke for the week ending March 20, 2004:
You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To cuss out staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's NOT the teacher's fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort - HANG UP and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!
Joke for the week ending March 13, 2004:
A zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings.
But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her. Whereupon, the zoo administrators remember that one of their zookeepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.
So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition. Would he be willing to do nature's best with the gorilla for 1000 dollars? O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions:
"Firstly, there's to be no kissing. Secondly, I want any offspring to be raised Roman Cat'lic." The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.
"Well," says O'Reilly, "you've got to give me some time to come up with the 1,000 dollars..."
There were two female ostriches running across the plain when they saw two male ostriches coming toward them. One said to the other, "Lets bury our heads in the sand." So they did.
Soon the two male ostriches came up behind the two female ostriches and one turned to the other one and said, "Where did they go?"
Joke for the week ending March 6, 2004:
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
(This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.)
Joke for the week ending February 28, 2004:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
P: IFF inoperative.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
P: Target radar hums.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Joke for the week ending February 21, 2004:
A very old joke, but newly revised:
A commercial airliner is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but only four parachutes!
The first passenger says, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best basketball player in the NBA and the Lakers need me, so I can't afford to die." He takes the first pack and jumps from the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Rodham Clinton, says, "I'm the wife of a former U.S. President, I'm a New York Senator and a potential future president. I must live!!" So she takes the second pack and jumps out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, "I'm the President of The United States of America. I have a great responsibility being the leader of a super-power nation and I'm the cleverest president in American history, so America's people won't want me to die." So he grabs the pack next to him and jumps out of the plane!
The fourth passenger, Bishop T.D. Jakes says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolgirl, "I've had a very good life and since I am a practicing Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute my child."
The girl says, "Nah, it's okay Rev, there is a parachute right here for you! ... America's cleverest President just jumped outta the plane with my book bag."
Joke for the week ending February 14, 2004:
It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
Joke for the week ending February 7, 2004:
The preacher's, Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question. All responded, except one elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She said.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said: "It's easy, I just outlived those bitches."
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
Joke for the week ending January 31, 2004:
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
Joke for the week ending January 24, 2004:
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
Joke for the week ending January 17, 2004:
FOR SALE AD...
The RIAA says it's worth about $25 million.
NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
Joke for the week ending January 10, 2004:
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.
All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
Joke for the week ending January 3, 2004:
You know you're in California when......
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