Joke for the week ending December 27, 2003:
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."
Joke for the week ending December 20, 2003:
A wealthy business man and his wife were having dinner in the restaurant of a very exclusive resort in the Bahamas. The man got up to visit the bathroom and on his way back he received a very passionate embrace from a beautiful blond. His wife noticed this and when he sat down, she asked, "Who was that?"
"Oh," he said sheepishly, "That was my mistress."
"Why you beast!" she said, "I want a divorce."
"O.K." he said, but it means we'll have to give up the place in Aspen, and the estate in Belize, and of course those shopping trips to Europe, and...."
As he was speaking she noticed one of the company board members dining across the way with a pretty brunette and she said, "Who's that with Wayne?"
"Oh, that's his mistress" was the reply.
She said, "Ours is cuter."
Joke for the week ending December 13, 2003:
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Joke for the week ending December 6, 2003:
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
13. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
14. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
15. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Joke for the week ending November 29, 2003:
Joke for the week ending November 22, 2003:
A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes and then said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Joke for the week ending November 15, 2003:
Thought for the day:
- - -
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend asked, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs."
Joke for the week ending November 8, 2003:
A guy phones up his boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
Joke for the week ending November 1, 2003:
This was the prize-winning submission to a Washington Post writers contest; according to the rules, one submits "instructions" for something (anything), but the instructions are written in the style of a famous person.
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Joke for the week ending October 25, 2003:
The Good, Bad and Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Good: The postman's early.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Joke for the week ending October 18, 2003:
Nominated for "Quote of the Year" is the statement made by (retired) Texas Congressman Dick Armey when asked: "If you had been in President Clinton's place would you have resigned?"
Armey's reply: "If I had been in the President's place, I would not have gotten the chance to resign. I would have been lying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to my wife ask, 'How do you reload this son of a bitch?'"
Joke for the week ending October 11, 2003:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing smell for the Lord - Leviticus 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what to you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am not allowed to have contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Leviticus 15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states she should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill her myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Leviticus 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair cut, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by the bible, in Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton and polyester blend). He also tends to curse a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Leviticus 24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? Leviticus 20:14
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan
Joke for the week ending October 4, 2003:
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Joke for the week ending September 27, 2003:
ABBOT AND COSTELLO MEET THE COMPUTER AGE...
ABBOT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know-accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO:: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Joke for the week ending September 20, 2003:
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
Joke for the week ending September 13, 2003:
Quotes of companies
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )
"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
"How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?" (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (AT&T Lone Lines Division)
"We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
Joke for the week ending September 6, 2003:
There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"What did she say?" asked the friend.
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
Joke for the week ending August 30, 2003:
The Husband Shopping Center
Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the store, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...1st floor - the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went....
2nd floor - the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?
3rd floor - this sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! Said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went....
4th floor - this door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me, cried the women. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.....
5th floor - the sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are darn impossible to please."
Joke for the week ending August 23, 2003:
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Joke for the week ending August 16, 2003:
THE SASKATCHEWAN FARMER
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this with the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff re-examined the lawyer's last meal.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Joke for the week ending August 9, 2003:
Wondering how his popularity was among the children, George Bush visits an elementary school. After explaining a little bit about how the government works, he asks the kids if they have any questions.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "I have 4 questions for you...
After the break, President Bush tells the kids to feel free to ask him more questions and this time Little Stacey raises her hand and says, "I have 5 questions for you...
Joke for the week ending August 2, 2003:
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time - now let your mother explain that to you."
Joke for the week ending July 26, 2003:
Three blondes (naturally) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
Joke for the week ending July 19, 2003:
"Good afternoon, Landlord, a pint of Less if you please," said the old man.
"Less? Never heard of it," replied the barman.
"Oh, come now surely you have," he persisted.
"No sorry, we certainly don't stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?"
"Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It was the doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less."
Joke for the week ending July 12, 2003:
A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says, "Ma'am, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put em back in the bowl."
Joke for the week ending July 5, 2003:
A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."
Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."
Surprised at her perception, he says, "That's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor."
Joke for the week ending June 28, 2003:
In a very exclusive private school near California's SiliconValley, a third-grade teacher was lecturing her upper-high-class students about the less fortunate. She asked them each to write an essay about a poor family in the area.
One little girl's paper began: "Once upon a time there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The nannies were poor. The pool man was poor. The personal trainer was poor. The gardeners were poor. This was a very poor family!
Joke for the week ending June 21, 2003:
A man lunching at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request."
"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."
"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."
Joke for the week ending June 14, 2003:
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"And what is your question Billy"
"I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the bell go off 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?"
Joke for the week ending June 7, 2003:
Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then mad passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
Joke for the week ending May 31, 2003:
Mommy Bear and Daddy bear were in divorce court.
The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"
"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."
"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.
"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."
"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"
Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"
Joke for the week ending May 24, 2003:
The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
Joke for the week ending May 17, 2003:
Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill. The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."
The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."
The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Last year he became president of the United States."
Joke for the week ending May 10, 2003:
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
Joke for the week ending May 3, 2003:
YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO DIET WHEN....
You dance and it makes the band skip.
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
You could sell shade.
Your blood type is Ragu.
Joke for the week ending April 26, 2003:
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home from school unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
"I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove" the boy replied.
His father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
"$1,000" he answered.
His father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again.
Joke for the week ending April 19, 2003:
A guy wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He gets up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
The man looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean, clothes hung up, etc.. As he looks around further, he notices that the rest of the house is all sparkling. Very unusual.
He finally takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table..."Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating.
The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., stupid drunk and totally incoherent. You staggered through the door, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the stairway."
Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in perfect order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Well, last night Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you yelled.....,"Lady ...leave me alone, I'm married'!"
Joke for the week ending April 12, 2003:
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers and then said, "please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man said, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "what kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
Joke for the week ending April 5, 2003:
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came".
Joke for the week ending March 29, 2003:
The United Nations Survey...
Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
Joke for the week ending March 22, 2003:
The Coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghanistan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 3rd-story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away, ka-blooey! Then a car passed going 90 mph, bulls-eye! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!".
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, the Raiders go on to win yet another Super Bowl and Al Davis is very happy.
The young Afghani is hailed as the Great Hero of football, and when Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."
"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight." The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, . . .
"I'll never forgive you for making us move to Oakland."
Joke for the week ending March 15, 2003:
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the limit,) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.
He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?".
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman stammered, "A what?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Joke for the week ending March 8, 2003:
"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.
He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!".
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school,"the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room.
Joke for the week ending March 1, 2003:
A church congregation decided to have four separate worship services each Sunday.
There was one section for those people who were new to the faith, another for regular members who preferred the more traditional worship service, one for those who'd lost their faith and wanted to get it back, and a separate service for those who had had some unsuccessful experiences with other churches and had some complaints.
The four services are named:
Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers.
Joke for the week ending February 22, 2003:
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms such as "Internal Revenue Service," "Postal Service," "Civil Service," "Service Stations," "Customer Service" and "Legal Service." I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
One day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull "service" a few of his cows. It all came into perspective.
Joke for the week ending February 15, 2003:
A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.
"Oh My G-d.... I've been transferred to Los Angeles," the new guy answered. "They've got race riots, drugs. The highest crime rate....."
"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and its not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The new guy stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh, thank G-d. I was worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
Joke for the week ending February 8, 2003:
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field and great money. But, on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experiences here in the hospital and what it's like to be a patient here." The patient continued, "People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
Joke for the week ending February 1, 2003:
1. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
4. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
5. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
6. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
7. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them.
9. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
10. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
11. I have a hunch that university costs are going to increase yet again. Call it in-tuition.
12. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
13. Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
14. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
15. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Joke for the week ending January 25, 2003:
The old Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it...
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Joke for the week ending January 18, 2003:
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, and enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Joke for the week ending January 11, 2003:
Language proficiency is part of the international contracting scene. This exchange between an English-speaking traveler and a member of the hotel staff in a Far East hotel was recorded in the Far-East Economic Review.
Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.
Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.
Room Service: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?
Hotel Guest: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
Room Service: Ow July den?
Hotel Guest: What?
Room Service: Aches. Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch...?
Hotel Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
Room Service: Ow July dee baycome? Crease?
Hotel Guest: Crisp will be fine.
Room Service: Hokay. An Santos?
Hotel Guest: What?
Room Service: Santos. July Santos?
Hotel Guest: Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so.
Room Service: No. Judo one toes?
Hotel Guest: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.
Room Service: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother?
Hotel Guest: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.
Room Service: We bother?
Hotel Guest: No. Just put the bother on the side.
Room Service: Wad?
Hotel Guest: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
Room Service: Copy?
Hotel Guest: I feel terrible about this but...
Room Service: Copy. Copy, tea, mill...
Hotel Guest: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
Room Service: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?
Hotel Guest: Whatever you say.
Room Service: Hokay. Tendjewberrymud.
Hotel Guest: You're welcome.
Joke for the week ending January 4, 2003:
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."
"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."
"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all... hawk, lion, and stinker.
Jokes of the Week for 2011
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