Joke for the week ending December 29, 2001:
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
Joke for the week ending December 22, 2001:
A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The Cajun replied, "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dere ice chests and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now. The Cajun poured the fish in to the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the Cajun asked.
"What fish?" the Cajun asked.
Joke for the week ending December 15, 2001:
A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight."
Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe. After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."
The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."
Joke for the week ending December 8, 2001:
A 90-year old Texas rancher caught his hand in a gate while he was working his cattle one day. He knew it was a deep cut, so he headed into town for some medical attention.
While a doctor was suturing the laceration on the old man's hand, the doc asked the old rancher what he thought about George W. Bush's being in the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'".
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a post turtle was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down."
Joke for the week ending December 1, 2001:
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Joke for the week ending November 24, 2001:
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; They've come to steal your land."
Joke for the week ending November 17, 2001:
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
Joke for the week ending November 10, 2001:
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
Joke for the week ending November 3, 2001:
The police in Willoughby County, New Hampshire recently busted a man selling "secret formula" tablets that he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files the local police noticed it was the fifth time he was arrested for committing this exact same medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.
Joke for the week ending October 27, 2001:
A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys do, complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives. They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing. And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the worst wife. Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly American Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.
The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained.
The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."
Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"
The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."
The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."
The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."
When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become dragon and bite your head off."
Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but.... Who has the worst wife?"
The chief replied, "I do."
Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.
The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja"
Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Horses."
More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it (Three-Horses) mean?
The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said "Nag, Nag, Nag".
Joke for the week ending October 20, 2001:
A father and son went fishing one day.
After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
Joke for the week ending October 13, 2001:
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
"May I see your driver's license?"
"I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."
"May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"
"It's not my car. I stole it."
"The car is stolen?"
"That's right. But come to think of it I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
"There's a gun in the glove box?"
"Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."
"There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain for backup. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
"Sir, can I see your license?"
"Sure. Here it is."
It was valid.
Captain: "Who's car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card."
The driver owned the car.
"Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"
"Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it"
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
"Would you mind opening your trunk?
I was told you said there's a body in it"
Trunk is opened; no body.
"I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too."
Joke for the week ending October 6, 2001:
The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square.
The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent.
Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer."
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."
Joke for the week ending September 29, 2001:
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained.
"She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."
Joke for the week ending September 22, 2001:
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.
"He's a magician," said the new boy.
"How exciting. What's his best trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."
Joke for the week ending September 15, 2001:
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the Parrot, "I got a hard-on and I fell off my perch.
Joke for the week ending September 8, 2001:
Always By His Side
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
He said, "I think you're bad luck ... "
Joke for the week ending September 1, 2001:
Fred had asked his pal Neil to help him out, building a deck, after work. So Neil went straight over to Fred's place with him. When they got to the door, Fred gave his wife a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once the two men were working on the deck, Neil said he was surprised that Fred fussed so much over his wife.
Fred said he'd started this about six months ago, and that it had revived their marriage. "Things couldn't be better," he said.
Neil thought he'd give it a try.
When he got home, he gave his wife a big hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Neil asked her why she was crying.
She responded, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Bobby fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Joke for the week ending August 25, 2001:
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Joke for the week ending August 18, 2001:
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
Joke for the week ending August 11, 2001:
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Joke for the week ending August 4, 2001:
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
Joke for the week ending July 28, 2001:
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn't matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said, "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing."
Joke for the week ending July 21, 2001:
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
Joke for the week ending July 14, 2001:
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S---!" Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Joke for the week ending July 7, 2001:
Can you even IMAGINE this???
This is actually true. It was in a local newspaper in South Carolina and Jay Leno mentioned it on the Tonight Show. This is about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said that this was his gift, and told everyone to open their envelopes. Inside each envelope was an 8x10 photo of his best man having sex with the bride taken a couple of weeks before the wedding. He'd been suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them several weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man and said, "F--- you!".....He turned to his bride and said "F--- you too!" and then he turned to the dumb-founded crowd and said, "I'm outta here!" and he promptly left the reception.
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us probably would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong and got his revenge by letting the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for the wedding and the reception and then letting everyone know exactly what was happening. Best of all, he trashed his Bride and Best Man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families. Can you imagine the embarassment and humilitaion they felt. I can't imagine they will EVER get over that!
Elegant wedding for 300 family and guests -- $32,000
Joke for the week ending June 30, 2001:
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, at the end of the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service" he said impatiently. But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute organist became the regular organist.
Joke for the week ending June 23, 2001:
The Whole Truth
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is arriving home from school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
Joke for the week ending June 16, 2001:
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress...
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
Joke for the week ending June 9, 2001:
A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?
Joke for the week ending June 2, 2001:
Famous Last Words
Two husbands, Chad and Sherm, were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Sherm, "How do you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"
Joke for the week ending May 26, 2001:
A fireman came home from work on day and told his wife, "You know we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed, and when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minute the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What's this BELL 4" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE", she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE"!
Joke for the week ending May 19, 2001:
A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus with his pockets bulging with golf balls next to a little old lady.
The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
She quickly replied, "Does it hurt as bad as tennis elbow?"
Joke for the week ending May 12, 2001:
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.
Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet. *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."
Joke for the week ending May 5, 2001:
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Joke for the week ending April 28, 2001:
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university.
"Oh, great," I said, "now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."
Joke for the week ending April 21, 2001:
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh, Morris," said grandma, "you've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost, I was just too tired to walk home."
Joke for the week ending April 14, 2001:
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
Joke for the week ending April 7, 2001:
Calling The Manager
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said, "You rest here while I register. I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look, lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in.
"What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Joke for the week ending March 31, 2001:
Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it It shattered. As the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world. About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night. SHE SHOT HIM!!
Joke for the week ending March 24, 2001:
A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never felt better," he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and *BAM* the beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
"Exactly," said the doctor.
Joke for the week ending March 17, 2001:
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Only once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Joke for the week ending March 10, 2001:
A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate."
"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"
The man says, "V-A-N."
"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."
"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."
The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in chocolate."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.
Joke for the week ending March 3, 2001:
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick:
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly.
A minute passed.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked -- but your client didn't."
Joke for the week ending February 24, 2001:
A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 183.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5' 8 1/2". She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.
The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and wiry. Now, I'm short and dumpy."
Joke for the week ending February 17, 2001:
Out Of Sight
A man left work and headed home one Friday afternoon. However, being that it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday came and went, and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Joke for the week ending February 10, 2001:
Helping The Poor
Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Eulalia opened a letter from home and found a $10 bill inside. As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it and dropped it out the window.
The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day Sister Eulalia was told that a man was at the door, insisting to see her.
She went down and found the stranger waiting.
Without a word he handed her a roll of bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the money you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."
Joke for the week ending February 3, 2001:
A Computer Upgrade
A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because, he said, I was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to buy a more powerful computer and again asked for my advice.
"I'm sorry," I told him. "I haven't kept up with computers much since your last purchase."
"Oh that's just great," he responded "not only do I have to upgrade my computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too!"
Joke for the week ending January 27, 2001:
A Printer Problem
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Joke for the week ending January 20, 2001:
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Regret can not remember which one is you... please keep your photo and return the others."
Joke for the week ending January 13, 2001:
A very pious Jew was preparing to board a plane when he heard that one of the most learned and pious rabbis was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the observant Jew. "I've always been guided by his Talmudic wisdom. Perhaps I can ask him some questions, or just shake his hand."
Imagine his surprise when the rabbi sat down in the seat next to him.
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the famous rabbi. Shortly after takeoff, the rabbi began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords.
Perhaps, if he gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the rabbi turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell such a pious rabbi that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him.
Turning to the old rabbi, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Oy, of course," said the Rabbi. "Do you have an eraser?
Joke for the week ending January 6, 2001:
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
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