SEVERIN BROWNE'S

JOKE OF THE WEEK

Joke for the week ending December 30, 2000:

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.

And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence....listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time.......

I haven't made the d*mn porridge yet!!"

Joke for the week ending December 23, 2000:

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Joke for the week ending December 16, 2000:

Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night for attempting to cause the same damage to her husband (as Lorena did to her husband), except she missed and hit his leg. She has been charged with a "misdeweiner."

Joke for the week ending December 9, 2000:

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable'?

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

Joke for the week ending December 2, 2000:

Groucho Marx Quotes:

"Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere."

"When I picked up your book I was so convulsed with laughter that I had to set it down, but one day I intend to read it."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

Joke for the week ending November 25, 2000:

Driving home from church one Sunday, the father tuned the radio to a country and western station.

"How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts."

Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, the dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"

"That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"

Joke for the week ending November 18, 2000:

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

Joke for the week ending November 11, 2000:

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is..." she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

Joke for the week ending November 4, 2000:

No joke this week, but a supposedly true story forwarded by a friend:

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady had found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. Can't you see?"

She said "You've sat me next to a kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do-I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin: "Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues..."It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."

With which, she turned to the black man sitting next to her, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black guy walks up to the front of the plane.

Joke for the week ending October 28, 2000:

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

Joke for the week ending October 21, 2000:

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

Joke for the week ending October 14, 2000:

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

Joke for the week ending October 7, 2000:

Subject: Everything I needed to know I learned from Noah

One - Don't miss the boat.

Two - Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three - Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four - Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something?really big.

Five - Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six - Build your future on high ground.

Seven - For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight - Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine - When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten - Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Joke for the week ending September 30, 2000:

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.

He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.

The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.

He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer replied, "Well, since everybody likes chicken legs, I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."

The man asked him how they tasted.

The farmer replied, "Don't know. Haven't caught one yet."

Joke for the week ending September 23, 2000:

A man visiting a village by a railway line was amazed at the high birth rate.

"A train goes past the village at 4:30 am," a local explained.

"What's that got to do with it?" asked the man.

"Well, at that time, it's too early to get up, but too late to go back to sleep."

Joke for the week ending September 16, 2000:

Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines. Boudreaux was flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff. Da plane hit some turbulence and started bouncin around an Boudreaux got knock unconscience. Then da plane started driftin.

Pierre him come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steering wheel.

Well, Pierre don't know nuttin but flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "MayDay! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscience and I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about nuttin. We gonna splain how fo you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-on-tee! Jus leave arything ta us." "Fus, how high are you and whas you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten and I'm all da way to da front of da plane."

"No! No!" answere da tower. "What's you altitude and where's you location?"

Pierre say, "Man ah got a po attidute, and I'm from Thiboudeaux!"

"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground and how you plane's in relation to da airport!"

Pierre start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreau's and mine, we got four feet off da ground and I don believe dis plane's related to you airport!"

A long pause - then silence was deafenin. "We needs to know wo you next of kin is and where to send da flowers."

Joke for the week ending September 9, 2000:

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

"The general replied, "In Vietnam."

Joke for the week ending September 2, 2000:

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

Joke for the week ending August 26, 2000:

A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there.

So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus.

Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.

He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Roc's sake!", to which the guy responds "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key."

Joke for the week ending August 19, 2000:

In a rural area one Sunday morning, church is packed when the devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

Joke for the week ending August 12, 2000:

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of the society stood up and pointed at the >first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them." "Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Oy vey - such idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: 'Holy Mackerel, dig the ass on that woman.'"

Joke for the week ending August 5, 2000:

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Joke for the week ending July 29, 2000:

After a two year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is Golf

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Joke for the week ending July 22, 2000:

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."

Confused, the man went to his Minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Minister.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night." 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your naval',"

The man protested, "But Reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get screwed."

Joke for the week ending July 15, 2000:

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as a gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So, the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of the cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being as good an attraction as the gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around and around the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but he lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Joke for the week ending July 8, 2000:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Joke for the week ending July 1, 2000:

A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother said, "Where did you get all that money.?

"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

Joke for the week ending June 24, 2000:

Exercise Quickies:

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently the gimmick is you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 89 now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Joke for the week ending June 17, 2000:

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes them picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come upwith?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,"Hmmmm.. the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer ... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Joke for the week ending June 10, 2000:

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Joke for the week ending June 3, 2000:

A blonde decided to decorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need but he knew that her friend (also a blonde) next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"

"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

Joke for the week ending May 27, 2000:

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

Joke for the week ending May 20, 2000:

After an overnight flight to meet the husband/father at his latest military assignment, the wife/mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with her nine children - all under age 11. Collecting their many suitcases, the ten of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the entourage in disbelief. "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," the mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

Joke for the week ending May 13, 2000:

Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him Microsoft.

Joke for the week ending May 6, 2000:

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Joke for the week ending April 29, 2000:

On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery."

He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shooo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

Joke for the week ending April 22, 2000:

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.

He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

Joke for the week ending April 15, 2000:

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, the lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt; donning his scarlet chemise, he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates. Later, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt; once again, the pirates were vanquished.

That evening, as the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for the expected order. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, turning toward the cabin boy, shouted: "Get me my brown pants."

Joke for the week ending April 8, 2000:

Three Insurance salesman were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies' service. The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening".

The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening".

The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of the World Trade Center, Tower 1. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as passed our floor".

Joke for the week ending April 1, 2000:

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and grab a Coke."

"No problem," said the doctor, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the doctor's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the Coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?"

Joke for the week ending March 25, 2000:

Betty, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Joke for the week ending March 18, 2000:

A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So when their neighbor began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they persuaded him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said, "You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic."

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying, "You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish."

Joke for the week ending March 11, 2000:

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "good morning father, good morning father" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned - how in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "good morning father", "good morning father" and started to walk away.

One of the priest couldn't stand it and said, "just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

Oh father, don't you recognize me, - I'm Sister Kathryn!"

Joke for the week ending March 4, 2000:

Seymour Schwartz was a good, deeply religious man. When he passed away, God greeted him at the Pearly Gates.

"Hungry, Seymour?" saith God.

"I could eat," Seymour replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of fresh rye bread and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines.

Curious, but deeply trusting, Seymour was quiet. The next day God again invited Seymour to join him. for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Seymour could see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Seymour said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of was opened. Seymour could contain himself no longer. Meekly, he said: "God, I am grateful to be in Heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O God, but I just don't understand..."

God sighed: "Let's be honest, Seymour -- for just two people does it pay to cook?"

Joke for the week ending February 26, 2000:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to LEARN that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

Your Wife

Joke for the week ending February 19, 2000:

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.

When she asked St.Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one-second each time a lie is told." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln had only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life...

Hillary asked "Where is Bills' clock"?

St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in His office...He is using it as a ceiling fan".

Joke for the week ending February 12, 2000:

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat any more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first robin.

"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"Okay," said the first.

So, they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaked up on them and gobbled them up.

As he sat washing his face after his meal, the cat thought, "I love baskin' robins."

Joke for the week ending February 5, 2000:

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

And she said...

"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

Joke for the week ending January 29, 2000:

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a Bump BUMP.... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him...faster...faster...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping & clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything....but all he can find is a box of cough drops!!

Desperate, he throws the coughdrops at the coffin....

...and of course..........

......the coffin stops!!!

Joke for the week ending January 22, 2000:

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swing, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God!" "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

Joke for the week ending January 15, 2000:

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears".

Steve got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, Do you notice anything different about me?

And she replied: "Well, you have no ears". Steve again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me"?

And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no %#&*@$ ears!"

Joke for the week ending January 8, 2000:

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the crate!"

Joke for the week ending January 1, 2000:

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead (roommates) were out shopping together and found themselves at a little, out-of-the-way curiosity shop. They wandered separately through the store but all ended up in front of a beautifully etched mirror at the same time, and decided they just had to have it. It was pretty expensive, but they each chipped in about a third and found they had enough.

The lady working in the store said, "Ahhhh, but this is a magic mirror. I'll sell it to you only with this warning: You must first say something to it that you think is true, and if it's really true, you can then make a wish and have anything you want. However, if it's not true, Poof, and you will vanish forever! "

The blonde, redhead, and brunette "yeah, whatever-ed" the warning and took the mirror home with them.

The redhead secretly wanted first crack at it, so when they got home she snuck the mirror into her room to try it out. She looked into the mirror coyly and said, "Let's see, I think... I'm the most glamorous girl in the world!"

Poof, and she vanished.

Then the brunette walked in, called out for the redhead and when she realized she had a moment to herself, walked quickly over to the mirror and said, "I think... I'm the smartest girl in the world!"

Poof, and she disappeared.

Then the blonde walked in, saw she was alone, looked into the mirror and said, "I think--"

Poof.